The Two Things



So I’ve been single now for over 3+ years.  I was with my ex-boyfriend for 3 12 years when I finally had an epiphany that we weren’t ever going to move forward in our relationship.  It’s not that I didn’t want to.  Lord knows my friends heard me talk about the same things over and over again.  I REALLY wanted to move forward, but he didn’t.  There were many reasons on his part, but basically it was because he was a commitment-phobe.


So after I ended it, I immediately jumped into a VERY short-term relationship with a complete idiot that I grew up with.  I knew it wasn’t going to work, but he said all the things that I wished my ex-boyfriend would have said.  He was pretty quiet, though, on Christmas Day when his dad got drunk and couldn’t stop hitting on me even though his wife was just a few feet away.  She eventually lost her shit, rightly so, and then I REALLY knew that things needed to end.  His aunt came up to me and said that I looked just like my boyfriend’s mom when she was younger, so that’s probably why his dad was hitting on me.  The next day I called my boyfriend a mother fucker because I thought it was funny, but then he admitted to me that one time he unconsciously fantasized about having sex with his mom, so my joke was no longer funny.  Peace out, weirdo!

I even freaking took this guy to the World Series!  And I won't show his face because I'm too nice.

I even freaking took this guy to the World Series! And I won’t show his face because I’m too nice, but there’s his hairy hand.  And this corn dog was far better than anything he ever did for me.

So then I waited several months before dating anyone, and the next guy I dated really did a number on me.  He had a 3 year old daughter and had been divorced for 9 months.  I fell for him very quickly, but this guy simply refused to communicate.  Looking back, I have no idea how I dated him for even 3 months.  He barely said a word, and when he did talk he was a master manipulator. Somehow he had me convinced that I really was crazy and completely delusional about him pulling away, even though he was clearly pulling away.  So I eventually realized that I deserved something better and I had to be the one to end things….again.  Oh, of course he kept trying to make a comeback for the next year via text, but right when it was time to show up, he’d always run away again.  I’m so glad I finally told him to never contact me again.  (Balls, I have them.)

He wasn't a Bed Head product.  He was a jerk that treated me like crap because he had no balls.  Whew!  I feel better now.

He wasn’t a Bed Head product. He was a jerk that treated me like crap because he had no balls. Whew! I feel better now.

After breaking up with him, something in me snapped.  I was pretty angry at men and the idea of relationships.  And no one should really blame me.  The last three relationships were tough, and FOUR times now a significant other of mine has decided that a friend of mine would be better.  TWO out of those four are married.  And while that’s enough to piss off any woman, that’s not really why I was angry.  I mean it sucks and all, but if that’s how it was supposed to be, then I can’t do much about it.  What makes me angry is how it always seemed to go down.  Not once did the guy ever do it the right way.  I know what you’re thinking.  What’s the right way?  The right way is doing it with courage.



So I came up with a theory or way of thinking that’s really worked for me.  I even tell my girlfriends this when they’re upset over a man.

1.  Men don’t have courage.

Now I’m sure I’ll get blasted with multiple people telling me how wrong I am, but hear me out.  Men have ZERO courage when it comes to women.  Sure, we have courageous soldiers that are fighting for our freedom, but let’s see how much courage they have when it comes to breaking up with someone…..which leads me to the second part of my theory.

2.  Men NEVER want to be the “bad guy.”

Number 1 and 2 totally go hand-in-hand.  A man will do whatever is humanly possible not to be labeled as the bad guy, but he’ll also do everything that makes him a bad guy instead of just doing the right thing.

For example….

Don’t want to break up with her?  Just cheat on her and let yourself get caught.  Yeah, that makes sense. I can totally see how it would be difficult to just tell her that you’re sorry, but you just don’t see a future with her.  And yes, that’s my amazing sarcasm at work.

Don’t want to date her?  I know!  Just never call even though you said you would.  Even though you spent an entire weekend acting otherwise?  Yes, that’s the right thing to do.  Or maybe…just maybe….you could just send a text or email that says, “Hey Lindy, I don’t think we’d be a good match for numerous reasons and I’m sorry I said the complete opposite for the past 48 hours.”  TA-DA!!  (And I know it would be far more courageous to actually pick up the phone or do this talk in person, but I’m going for baby steps here.) (And I’m not a dumb girl that slept with him or anything.) (This may or may not be a true story.) (Fine, it happened at a dance event and I knew he and I wouldn’t work out anyways.)


So men, please listen to me.  For the love of all things that are good and holy, PLEASE just learn how to tell us what the heck is going on in that messed up head of yours.  And there’s even a chance that we’ll agree with you.  And then we can all walk off into a lovely, mature sunset…..not together, of course, but still.


And I know a lot of you might think I’m bitter, but I’m not at all.  With this theory I can actually not be upset or bitter.  Sure it can still hurt from time to time, but I can go back to this and realize that it’s just how men are these days.  Not Paul Rudd, but all other men.